Films

I've found I don't really go to see films anymore. Nor do I watch them at home. I'd like to say this is because I spend my time on more high brow pursuits like reading or poetry or going to the theatre but that's not true. Especially not the theatre, I'm always dubious about spending 30-odd quid to go and see a play just in case I sit through the whole thing wondering why the hell everyone else seems to be thoroughly enjoying an interminable pile of shit. I blame my teachers. They'd force us to go to see Twelfth Night telling us it was a comedy. "One of the characters is called Bottom ha ha ha ha ha!" Yeah great, not sure it justifies 2 hours sitting in cramped agony at the Old Vic though does it?

But anyway back to film. The problem I have with films is that they aren't much good anymore. I mean when was the last time you were blown away by a film? Not by the special effects or the fact that it's in 3D but by the actual film? It's been fucking ages hasn't it. In fact I'm already so irritated by 3D I'm thinking of gauging out one of my eyes just to sue film companies for not catering for those of us without depth perception.

But it's not just new films. I'm starting to wonder if old films were any good either. I mean everyone loves Star Wars but if we're honest it's just an over elaborate puppet show isn't it? It's just a big budget Sesame Street, except Sesame Street doesn't need six fucking episodes to tell us that being good is good and being bad is bad. Plus Sesame Street gets its numbering system right. None of this 4-5-6-1-2-3 crap.

And even your most stalwart Star Wars fan has to admit the 3 out of the 6 films are shit. That's a pretty poor ratio. Back To The Future has a better ratio than that, Rocky has a better ratio than that, hell even Police Academy has a better ratio than that. Unless they make an eighth one.

And they probably will make another Police Academy. They're remaking everything else aren't they? And not very well might I add. The new Indiana Jones was shit. Even the new Die Hard, well it was no Die Hard was it?

In fact isn't that the problem with all films ever? They're no Die Hard are they?

The Godfather? It's no Die Hard. Does it have Alan Rickman sounding like Alan Rickman trying to be German? No.

Lord of the Rings? It's no Die Hard. All that walking and not once does someone have to walk barefoot over glass. Rubbish.

Citizen Kane it's no fucking Die Hard is it? Do you think John McClane would cry about a fucking sled? No.

So lets just end all this nonsense and get back to watching TV. Robin Hood Prince of Theives is on.