14th July 2010

I was in foul mood all day. Work was duller than a Leona Lewis interview, I was unhappy with how I'd gone down at my gig the night before and the weather seemed to be reflecting my mood in a display of pathetic fallacy that Thomas Hardy would've baulked at.

In general I would describe myself as pretty neutral when it comes to emotions, I don't really have sweeping highs or crushing lows, I more just trundle along in an ambivalent haze. So when I am in a mood I find the whole experience a little disturbing. Equally when I'm overly happy I am always worried that I'm forgetting something truly heinous that should be bringing me down.

Does this make me a pessimist? I don't know. Nor do I care. That's the ambivalence again. I think to much is made of people who think the glass is half full as opposed to people who think the glass is half empty. Is it not enough to just know it's half. It's exactly at the midpoint. It has the potential to be added to and the potential to be drained. At least when it's at the half way mark a bit of buffetting is unlikely to spill it. I think I'm stretching the metaphor somewhat here.

But just to push it further surely it depends what the glass is half full of as to determine whether the person is an optimist or just an idiot. For example someone who thinks the glass is half full of gin is clearly a naturally happy chap, but what if it's half full of shit? Or worse Fosters? Well if you're happy about that then you're clearly a mentalist and only one short step from lining you bicycle helmet with tin foil and speaking to strangers on the bus.

13th July 2010

Tonight was another Comedy at the Royal Standard, I am as yet undecided as to whether I enjoy this night or not. As the compere (MC? I never know which to use) the focus isn’t on me I know but I can’t help feeling that the audience at the Standard couldn’t give a damn about my attempts at witticisms whereas the audience at Laughter Lines tends to accept me as another comedian rather than that bloke who drinks here who run the comedy night.

I was told after the gig that this was the strongest line up so far. This may or may not be true. Comedy gigs are like psychics, it’s about making the audience notice the ‘hits’ and ignore the misses. It helped that the first act on didn’t suck and then the second guy stormed it. That gives a little leeway for the rest of the acts. The rest of the first half was reasonable if never amazing. The second half started strongly but then audience apathy kicked in by the end so it petered out somewhat.

I wanted to use my own nights to get more comfortable with an audience and to work on new material but I’m not sure if it’s really working. I come up with new material each month but I never get the opportunity to expand it and develop it so I now have a load of mediocre material and very little gold. And I’m in desperate need of some gold. I need to start making the step up from someone who goes down well at gigs without being the stand out performer to always being one of the guys the audience always remembers.

This all sounds like I’m in the midst of a crisis of confidence and quite frankly I am. I’m struggling to find the humour in anything right now. It’s like living in a perpetual episode of My Family.

Heroism

I am now a bona fide hero. I saved a man's life.

Although only if you believe checking someone's alive and then putting a blanket over them until an ambulance arrives actually constitutes saving someone's life. Which I do. I also phoned for the Ambulance.

Now, although my part was small in helping this old man at least I played my part. Most people ignored the poor guy or worse gawped and walked off. It's not often I feel superior in terms of good deeds but today I really did.

Which unfortunately caused problems for me. As I walked up to the station later that morning I got incredibly frustrated with the other commuters getting in my way. Did they not understand I was a hero? A goddamn lifesaver? Get out of my fucking way.

This is why I don't do charity work. It would inflate my ego to such a degree that I'd probably start punching people for not being as awesomely humanitarian as me. And have you ever heard a more selfish reason for not helping people?

This is terrible. I did one good act and it's got me reflecting on how self-centred I am. That can't be right can it? I should probably go back to remembering how much of hero I am.

I deserve a fucking medal.

I have no idea how the bloke is by the way. He was up and walking when I left him so my role as a saviour was pretty assured.

Films

I've found I don't really go to see films anymore. Nor do I watch them at home. I'd like to say this is because I spend my time on more high brow pursuits like reading or poetry or going to the theatre but that's not true. Especially not the theatre, I'm always dubious about spending 30-odd quid to go and see a play just in case I sit through the whole thing wondering why the hell everyone else seems to be thoroughly enjoying an interminable pile of shit. I blame my teachers. They'd force us to go to see Twelfth Night telling us it was a comedy. "One of the characters is called Bottom ha ha ha ha ha!" Yeah great, not sure it justifies 2 hours sitting in cramped agony at the Old Vic though does it?

But anyway back to film. The problem I have with films is that they aren't much good anymore. I mean when was the last time you were blown away by a film? Not by the special effects or the fact that it's in 3D but by the actual film? It's been fucking ages hasn't it. In fact I'm already so irritated by 3D I'm thinking of gauging out one of my eyes just to sue film companies for not catering for those of us without depth perception.

But it's not just new films. I'm starting to wonder if old films were any good either. I mean everyone loves Star Wars but if we're honest it's just an over elaborate puppet show isn't it? It's just a big budget Sesame Street, except Sesame Street doesn't need six fucking episodes to tell us that being good is good and being bad is bad. Plus Sesame Street gets its numbering system right. None of this 4-5-6-1-2-3 crap.

And even your most stalwart Star Wars fan has to admit the 3 out of the 6 films are shit. That's a pretty poor ratio. Back To The Future has a better ratio than that, Rocky has a better ratio than that, hell even Police Academy has a better ratio than that. Unless they make an eighth one.

And they probably will make another Police Academy. They're remaking everything else aren't they? And not very well might I add. The new Indiana Jones was shit. Even the new Die Hard, well it was no Die Hard was it?

In fact isn't that the problem with all films ever? They're no Die Hard are they?

The Godfather? It's no Die Hard. Does it have Alan Rickman sounding like Alan Rickman trying to be German? No.

Lord of the Rings? It's no Die Hard. All that walking and not once does someone have to walk barefoot over glass. Rubbish.

Citizen Kane it's no fucking Die Hard is it? Do you think John McClane would cry about a fucking sled? No.

So lets just end all this nonsense and get back to watching TV. Robin Hood Prince of Theives is on.